~ the finale of Tore and Dave's Time Travel Adventure~
Torie grabbed a bed pillow and hit me over the head with it as I laughed at her.
“You ass,” she scolded me. “Are you sure you aren’t using the alias ‘Disappointed in Detroit’ on Amazon and leaving me nasty reviews?”
“What?” I chuckled at her as she further tried to use the pillow to suffocate me before she removed it and then tossed the photograph to the nightstand and grabbed up her iPad.
She touched the screen and went to Amazon.com and typed in her name, bringing up her novels and clicked on the reviews for Passion’s Fury, scrolling to one in particular.
She read the review title, which was one word with several exclamation points after it, “Seriously!!!” She began reading and then raised an eyebrow at me menacingly as she continued. “By Disappointed in Detroit.’ ‘Torie Mills must have gooey mush for brains if she believes that I’m buying this syrupy load of crap she’s selling. Dashing Beau Gardner, beautiful Melody Turner and the rest of the characters in this novel are SO unbelievable. They are all the most beautiful, most handsome, with the whitest most gleaming teeth, and the best lovers with the BIGGEST appendages and most perfect bodies. Also no one EVER has a bad thought or does anything wrong. Doesn’t Ms. Mills know that dentistry was unheard of as was ‘deodorant’ back then and that most prostitutes such as Melody Turner would have died of syphilis or worse? Oh and her graphic description of oral sex acts is not suitable for ANY readers under twenty-one!”
“That is just sooo wrong!” I said trying to hold back a laugh.
“Dave! It’s not funny!” Torie pouted. “And this one…”
She touched on a review for her sea-going adventure novel, Eternal Fire.
“Ships ahoy Matey!” she began and then hissed under her breath. “I really hate that review title,” before she continued. “You best stop reading here if you don’t want this sappy, sappy story spoiled. **Spoiler Alert**—if Royce Colby is such a stud and all the women fall all over him then why doesn’t perfect little Patience Halstrom seem to notice his bulging yumminess? Also why does he seem to find her just SO irresistible and the most beautiful creature on earth when no one else seems to see it? Oh and if she WAS so irresistible, then why hadn’t the lord and master at the manor already defiled her way before she ended up unjustly accused and condemned as a thief? But No, little virginal Patience sails off on that boat full of indentured servants and just happens to capture the hunky captain’s attention? Give me a break! Oh and of course Miss Prissy Pure Patience was just so perfect and virginal until Captain Wonderful and Hung Like A Horse made her a woman and turned her into a sexual dynamo in bed. Blah, blah, blah. I am so sick of the predicable formula writing of historical romances. Biggest waste of $10.99 this year!”
“Ouch!” I agreed. “That’s just harsh. I think I need to kick someone’s butt. Was that ‘Disappointed in Detroit’ again?”
“No, but they are all pretty much interchangeable,” Torie said and broke into an amused chuckle.
“Yeah, but you got thousands of good reviews, Torie. Why do you let a few bad ones get to you?”
“These stories are like my babies, Dave, and it stings a little but it usually doesn’t bother me that much except that now I find that you seem to also think, like these armchair reviewers do, that I have a flawed perspective. Oh and this one for Where Evil Lived,” she continued. “How Torie Mills can describe that sicko bastard Mark Thompson as handsome and rugged as a Nordic Viking is beyond me.”
“Now I happen to agree with that one,” I said pointing a finger at her sternly. “That piece of shit had no redeeming qualities.”